came across this in my brother's computer. its kind of funny.

just received your exam results? bad? how bad was it? bad enough to maybe... i don't know... KILL YOURSELF? well now, if you feel this way, maybe this segment is for you.

we all know how important exams are. when you fail an exam, you aren't only failing yourself. you fail society, you fail your family, you fail your neighbor, you fail your dog; you fail your neighbor’s dog. you have failed life. but it's okay, because i am here to save you.

do not fear. i have answers for everything. in the following message, i have detailed vital tips in maintaining an edge over your fellow peers. once again, i will save your lives. damn, i rule!

set the right mentality. exams were made to filter out the weak and reward the strong. war is inevitable. if there is a way to compromise your classmates' studies, do it without hesitation. there are no friends during exam time. send random death threats; hide specific library books, set bags on fire. consider these actions and their victims casualties of war. remember, a death in the family can significantly affect a student's ability to study well. these include pets. try combinations: the decapitated head of a family pet on the front step of your friend's door is a prime example of 'death threat' and 'death in family'. if your classmates ask for notes, provide them with prepared falsified material.

simulate an exam environment. study in an uncomfortable chair, preferably made of plastic with no padding. use an unstable table. study in the nude during winter. the ability to brave extremes in both weather and comfort is a skill that must be acquired in order to succeed. study at public libraries, birthday parties and strip- joints. test your ability to withstand distractions; it may save your life.

practice not going to the toilet for long periods of time. this will strengthen your bladder muscles. bring a portable toilet during examination. an empty drink bottle will do just as well. don't forget toilet paper. it would be embarrassing if you had to ask for toilet paper from one of the other students. better yet, don't drink any fluids two days prior to exams. remember, the average human can survive THREE days without water. if you must go, do it in your chair, don't lose valuable exam time by going to the toilets. if anyone laughs at you, tell him or her you suffer from a disability. now who's laughing, asshole?

do not communicate to any of your 'friends' or 'classmates' before the exams. they only wish to see you fail so they may succeed. stab anyone that approaches you. if anyone dares to make eye contact, stab away with prejudice. statistically, students who have been stabbed find it harder to concentrate as opposed to students who have not been stabbed prior to exams.

do not waste precious exam time by asking for a pen. blood is an excellent substitute for ink. always carry a knife. if you need to clear your throat or blow your nose, do it. do it loudly. if anyone eyes at you, show him or her your knife.

if you get stuck on a question, it's okay. the world isn't going to end, only yours. you can always BEG ON THE STREETS and live the rest of your life in a CARDBOARD BOX!

as a last resort, exclaim loudly how you want to kill yourself after every exam, make sure the examiner is listening. the examiner may sympathize and award additional points.

on a final note: failure comes hand in hand with success. you cannot hope to understand anything without experiencing the opposite. einstein may have said it best, and i quote: "anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new". it's okay to fail. the trick is to know your mistakes and better yourself in the future. einstein also said, and i quote: "two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and i'm not sure about the universe". of course, i can only help so much. damn, i rule!